![]() Unfortunately I'm only able to consume what I consumed inside the game. Never tiring, never filling, never defecating. As in the arcade game, my primary instinct is to relentlessly consume. Consumption is and has always been at the core of my existence. The only thing that brings me comfort is eating. I guess I'll get to the part about me eating food, sorry Pac-Man got sidetracked with writing too many jokes about Pac-Man having sex three nights ago when he was really high. They say masturbation causing blindness is a myth, well, not if it's to a solar eclipse that looks like Ms. I fantasize about having a two-dimensional threesome. When I was in middle school I'd even masturbate to a diameter. I got a double radius fetish for which there is no cure. Don't get turned on when you talk about geometry? Gee. Guess what? 22% of anything looks a lot like a mouth! If there was a pie chart of the world's major religions, I would want to put my dick inside Hinduism. Why do you have so many round things? I can't get an office job! I get turned on by pie charts! Can a player get a bar graph every once & awhile? No, you gotta use pie charts. And by the way, if you're going to serve up a lemon meringue pie, you better cut out more than just one slice unless you want me to have some really unhealthy sexual feelings towards your homemade dessert. I feel like a pervert, but it's not my fault. I catch myself getting turned on by inanimate objects because they remind me of her. I called her "Unmellow Yellow," and she called me "Goldenrod."īut now it's just me. Although our favorite sexual position was something we liked to call the Crazy 8. You humans claim to know how to 69 each other. Still the best sex I've ever had in my life. We ravaged each other that first night like a pair of lust-filled, canary-colored click clacks. I'll never forget the first time our two yellow orbs touched each other, bits to bits. Pac-Man Wayne Gacy, we did have a physical relationship for many years. Though I never got the chance to make her Mrs. Everybody always asks me "What was her first name?" It's Lizette. Pac-Man, meaning that Pac-Man is her father's surname. My full name is actually Pac-Man Wayne Gacy, but my designers thought they should just shorten it to Pac-Man for showbiz reasons. Also, someone whose last name is the same as my first name. ![]() Someone who looks exactly like me, but with a red bow on their head. There was just a bunch of Asian chicks on there. Thing I miss most about being inside the game: Ms. It's like, "We get it Clyde, you're the orange ghost. Plus, why did the ghosts have to be in every episode? Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde? Those guys were assholes. Who the fuck would wear that? Even a street pimp in Milan would think that is an immodest and unwise choice of attire. What do they have me wearing? Crimson boots and a fedora? What am I? Dennis Rodman at the MTV Movie Awards? Seriously, crimson boots and a fedora. I tried to sit through an episode on Youtube, but had to turn it off in disgust. Evidently there was a cartoon of me at one point. I was the face of one of the highest-grossing video games of all time, having taken in over one billion quarters by the 1990s, or according to my intensive calculations, a quarter of a billion dollars. I came to find that the video game which was my genesis was a hugely popular social phenomenon. It is certainly an incredible feeling to emerge into a world where you're already a pre-existing icon of 1980s popular culture. Equally appealing to teenage boys from 1985, but for different reasons. Or it's kinda like Weird Science, but instead of Kelly LeBrock it's me, Pac-Man. I'm kinda like Keanu Reeves from the Matrix but with more emotional depth and range. These are my memoirs, not a research paper! If any of you have seen the documentaries "Virtuosity" or "Lawnmower Man" then you'd be smart enough to understand. Something something superconducting magnets something something causing an electrical surge something there was a Pac-Man arcade game in the break room something I'm here now. That was, of course, until a freak laboratory accident brought me out of the game and into the world of man.Ī hungover scientist working on the completion of Switzerland's Large Hadron Collider spilled their Mango-a-go-go Jamba Juice on the main control panel of the high energy particle beam, causing an electrical fault that led to a loss of approximately six tons of liquid helium. Never knowing anything more than my simple 8-bit existence. For 28 long years, my life was spent chomping away in a Namco-designed two-dimensional maze. Chapter 6: RebirthĢ008, that was the year my life changed forever. The following are selections from the autobiography of Pac-Man, "Memoirs of My Life as a Chompaholic: The Pac-Man Story," by Pac-Man. Chapters from the life of gaming's most famous yellow blob.
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